How to practice unconditional self-worth
If you often feel like a failure, there’s a good chance this feeling has nothing to do with what you’re actually doing, and everything to do with messaging you received as a child. The values and beliefs that were modeled to us while growing up leave a powerful imprint on how we develop self-efficacy and self-esteem.
Attaching output/ productivity to self-worth is something that develops when we’re young. Many people create this attachment because of how they are raised and because as a society, we tend to value outcome and performance above all else. This distorted value system can lead to perfectionism and anxiety.
To work with the strong hold outcome/productivity has over you, you have to cut the tie between who you ARE and what you DO. Your identity goes far deeper and is far more immutable than your output at work, school, in social situations, or in any other setting.
Your identity is what you stand for, what you do when things get hard, how you show up for people in your life. Your identity lies in your integrity: the congruence between your values and your actions. Tying worth/ identity to performance is a (very painful) illusion.
When you find yourself feeling like a failure, remind yourself of who you are at your core. Ask yourself the following questions to remind yourself of your internal self-worth:
1) How aligned are my values and behaviors right now? If they are indeed aligned, remind yourself of how powerful that is in itself.
2) How am I showing up for people in my life right now? If you are indeed showing up, albeit imperfectly, remind yourself that this is something that makes you inherently worthy to those who love you.
3) How am I connecting with what I stand for right now? If you are holding true to your values, that’s a good sign that you are actively building self-worth and self-esteem.
Try these journaling exercises around this concept if it’s hard for you to access this information easily:
1) Close your eyes and find your young self who learned to attach worth/ identity to outcome. Give them EMPATHY (“I’m so sorry you learned this”), VALIDATION (“It makes sense that you feel like this because of messaging you’ve received”), and a new PERSPECTIVE (“You are far more important than anything you will ever accomplish/ produce.”) Write about what it feels like to give yourself empathy, validation, and new perspective.
2) Next time you hear your internal critic, pause, and ask yourself: Who’s voice am I hearing right now? When do I remember feeling this way as a child? Who made me feel that way and why? Write about the answers.
3) Write about a recent situation where you felt like a failure. Now, think about someone you love telling you about the situation happening to them (ie. Friend, partner, family member). Ask yourself: What would I say to them if they told me this situation made them feel like a failure? How would I reassure them, validate them, and give them empathy? Write down those words and try saying them to yourself instead.
Exercises like this help us develop unconditional self-worth over time. Like anything else, the more we practice, the easier it gets to cut the tie between outcome and self-worth. It’s like a muscle: the more we exercise it, the stronger it gets. Practice these exercises and pay attention to how your relationship with yourself changes over time. And, if you’d like more personalized guidance on how to do this, consider how a therapeutic relationship can add to your life!
